Author: admin

Suicidal Ideation vs The Stomach Bug

It’s 2:37 am and you already know you’re not making it to work tomorrow. For the last six hours you have been alternating between a fetal position on the couch and an animalistic, hunched-over position above the toilet. There is no force on this planet strong enough to keep any food inside your body for longer than a standard commercial break. You’re tired and exhausted. Muscles you weren’t even aware of before today cry out in pain. And your stomach, your poor stomach, can hardly stand to take in the lukewarm ginger ale you’ve been sipping since your last visit to the bathroom. Your whole body screams out, “I am dying!” And you wonder if you’ll survive to see the 5th hour of BBC Pride and Prejudice.
Thankfully, your brain, though starting to get snippy, is not sick. “You’re not dying,” brain says. “It’s just a stomach bug.” And you stop imagining your imminent death and start awaiting your favorite scene with Mr. Darcy.
Now imagine it’s your brain that’s sick. And for weeks or months or even years you have not been able to function the way you normally would. You feel like you’ve been curled up on your couch watching the world pass you by. Only you don’t realize you’re sick. You just know that you’re struggling.
And one day you think, “I’m dying.” And your brain, which is not functioning properly, says, “Yeah I think you might be.” And there is no voice of reason to suggest that this may be temporary or that there may be a treatment for what you’re experiencing.
You don’t want to admit that you’re depressed because you never thought that could happen to you. You feel like you can’t go to friends or family because you’re afraid they won’t understand. Or they’ll tell you it’s somehow your fault.
Your brain keeps saying, “You’re dying.” And all you can think about is your death.
Depression can happen to anyone. And if left untreated can bring on suicidal ideation. If you or someone you know is experiencing this, seek help. Your brain is sick and there are treatments that can help it get better.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
1-800-273-8255
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

I’m Right Here

It’s bedtime. I’ve worked a long and stressful day and came home to a messy house, dinner that had to be cooked, and a fussy baby. And now it’s finally bedtime. All I want to do is sleep. All she wants to do is stay attached to me.

Don’t get me wrong, I love holding my baby. I love rocking her and singing to her. I love the scent of her hair and the feel of her little tiny fingers caressing my arm. But right now, I want to sleep. I want her to sleep. And I have to put her down.

She is not pleased, to say the least. As soon as I lay her down she cries. I rub her belly and make shushing sounds to calm her. She begins to relax. Until I stop touching her.

So, I do what any parent would do who wants to calm baby and get some rest, I reach through the bars of the crib and place my hand on her belly again and lay down on the floor next to her. She can’t see me. She starts crying again.

But I’m still here.

You can’t see me, but I’m still here.

Listen to my voice as I sing to you. I. Am. Right. Here.

How many times must God feel this way with me? Not the need to rest, God doesn’t need sleep like I do. But how often do I want him to stay holding me in his arms and immediately cry out if I feel like he has left me alone?

He hasn’t left me alone. He’s just out of my line of sight. But if I listen to his voice, I can remind myself that he’s not gone. He never leaves us. He is right here.

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.  Deuteronomy 31:8